Beautiful Beautiful

I love my family very much. I worry that as the key generations of my family get older and pass away that I will not have as much of a connection with my extended family. I know this is a valid worry, but there is a lot to do about it. I feel a responsibility to stay connected to the people I love.

Countdown to surgery: 17 Days
I'm not nervous yet so that's good.

Lush is my new favorite store.

New Things New Times

I really like watching 'Rock of Love'. It's an incredibly ridiculous show. I don't really know why I like it so much or what I actually like about the show. Maybe not knowing is the best part. I don't think I want to identify which part of me connects with such a show.
On a similar note, I went to a cage fight yesterday. It was interesting. I don't think I'll go to another fight, but it's something to check off the list.
I'm enjoying my time home this semester. I'm trying to make the most of my time, even when that includes doing nothing at all. I know this is going to be the least stressful time of life. I have minimal responsibilities to take care of right now, so my focus is on myself, my family, and my friends. It's really nice. I just recently realized how much I miss certain people. There is so much I want to do when I head back into my more active life. Things seem to be working out better than ever. The superstitious Italian old woman in me is telling me to be wary of this. The other part of me thinks it's more of a sign from God to continue my life in this direction, if that makes any sense.

I get it now.

I'm Still Here

I don't think you understand how hard it is for me to face your indifference. I want you to feel strongly one way or another. Obviously, I'd prefer one way over the other, but the point is the same. I have so much to say to you, but the fear of your reaction stops me in my tracks. I am holding our relationship together, all by myself. It's pretty heavy and completely stressful. I deal with that because I know you have a lot on your plate, a lot of pressure. You really don't give me enough credit. You take away a lot from me everyday, my energy, happiness, you name it. I tell myself you don't know that you're doing it, that my feelings should not be hurt. You're just reckless with my heart, whether you believe it or not. I want you to care, most of all to show it. Give me a sign you still want what we have because I'm really starting to doubt it. I know how easy it is for you to forget me when I'm away. I don't understand it. I just miss you and think of you more, while you carefully remove me from your thoughts, actions, and life. There's no excuse for that. It's selfish, really. I think you're going to take this the wrong way, but I really hope you don't. I want you to think about what I have to say to you, what I have said. Consider my feelings.