Playing in the in-between!

Hi.

Light. We're all pure energy at the source, but weighed down in clunky physical forms meant to allow us certain pleasures we'd not experience in the same way in the completely spiritual sense. We also learn here... Or we're supposed to and then the roll-over lessons carry on in karmic debt, left to be learned in the next life. I say weighed down but I don't mean that with any negativity behind it. Physical life is a gift and it gets gift-ier the better we get at it (aka the more lessons you learn-the better person you become-you do more good than bad-you pay off your karmic debts-your lives become easier and better-you move up in knowledge in spiritual dimensions as well). Love and compassion and empathy are underlying themes in a lot of these lifetimes. You learn how to love and you stop hating. You learn compassion and anger subsides. Empathy allows for a Godly like amount of patience and kindness and desire to make the earthly world a better place. I personally find it difficult to open empathic doors due to not wanting to relive any kind of pain others are going through- but maybe in opening those doors you allow for more knowledge. The thing that helps is a constant reminder that we are all part of a whole and in doing ill to others you are essentially doing to yourself and in doing ill to yourself you are doing it to God and that's not cool. Connectedness.

You know when you're dreaming and something weird or bad is happening and in that instant you realize you're dreaming and change the whole situation into something else entirely that doesn't scare or threaten you? What if we have that power in future lives? What if this lifetime is the dream and if we are open to the lessons and things we need to learn we can alter the future into something better than it would have been had we stayed in a static position?

Is this super weird or have you ever thought about this?

So, hey.

What if I confuse happiness and comfort with laziness. Discomfort and learning-growth are also tied.
I think I can only have one with the other, but is that real? Or am I just making things harder on myself?


What if Christ is a consciousness, a state of being, a level of enlightenment, a dimension of knowledge that is the ultimate goal.
More than a limited model. More than a entity who we are waiting for, but instead the commonality that eventually makes us entirely equal despite earthly factors. Maybe Christ's consciousness is the last level that we all end up on in the Spiritual realm, the ultimate goal, the thing we have inside us already but only reveal through lifetimes of learning specific lessons.

I need to study now.

I think this is really beautiful and simple. It makes me want to play with watercolor again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_profilepage&v=qpunQZ4cUyI

Takes Two 2 Tango

I'm not so sure where that leaves us.

Regression:
-arrested development: an abnormal state in which development has stopped prematurely
-(psychiatry) a defense mechanism in which you flee from reality by assuming a more infantile state
-returning to a former state
-A home video made with a few of my closest pals that was then reluctantly made public via interweb by a concerned-for-my-future friend. Still one of my favorite videos.

I don't know best, better, or worse... nor do I claim to. My thoughts and feelings of needing to voice said thoughts come from a place of not wanting regression in any capacity (except for unlimited viewings of that wonderful mini-film). Also a place of knowing that going backwards is the opposite of going forward so why travel southernly?

In the end only kindness matters. But seriously... I think maybe that's the truth in it all.

Admiral's Feast: In Honor of, but no Relation to, the Stratties Being in Town

The quick version of my thought: When do we stop entertaining our own annoyances/quirks/preferences in place of someone else's habits/carelessnesses/nonchalant actions? Where is the line? If we stop, does that free up a huge capacity for loving more deeply/more fully/more Godly-er?

Endless question version: Why does stuff matter?

I notice things. A lot of things. I always want to know how people feel for empathic reasons and a general curiosity in matters dealing with the human condition. This leads to an increased capacity for annoyances and a desire to right the "wrongs" of others- like, really, don't shuffle your feet. I won't punish you for it but I might mention it. Now, this serves a purpose at times- I get to pass on the wisdom my mother taught me at a young age, such as slurping is the devil. However, on the flipper flopper, it closes much of my being off. When I'm annoyed, kindness seems to fly out the window. I can only focus on the behavior immediately violating my norms.

I really love learning, especially those draining/life viewpoint changing/beautiful lessons... and for some reason, these are the kinds of lessons I've been facing a lot lately. Rapid succession. It makes me feel lucky.

So if you only think with/assume/conclude/and act on love, what happens? If I could be disciplined enough to totally avoid mentally falling into the annoyance zone I think I could blow up the whole world with kind-sunshiney-love-sparkles. Seriously, it's the new goal.

Now here's the thing, annoyances are valid, as all feelings are... but unlike other feelings, they are only triggers. They're like a smokescreen for other problems that reside at a deeper level, so in this way they are valid. Because really, why does the occasional slurp or shuffle mean it's OK to verbally murder your fellow man. They act as pitfalls in quite a literal sense. I fall into them often. It allows me to blame something insignificant, instead of actually thinking about what is really at fault. It gives you permission to be a total bitch in response to undeserving, nominal stimuli. But, that's a huge lie. Acting like a raging meanie is not permissible ever. No one deserves to be the unassuming target. No one warrants the luxury of being cruel to any degree.

Some other things I pondered relating to the delicate matter of annoyances: I'm probably way more annoying than any of my unassuming victims of picky rage.
True Life: We're all really fucking annoying.
Part II: Why is it OK to have the lowest patience level with people you love most? Why is it so much easier to accept the total stranger's annoying habits and not those of the people who want the best for you/love you the most/you love the most? I know time spent with the other is an issue here, but isn't more a matter of the heart? Maybe it's one the ways absolute earthly love and hate kind of line up.

Finally, here's the thing: Don't get me wrong- I've never completely blown up on someone (outside of a giggle/yell during a particularly stressful Open House rehearsal) but it consumes me in the worst ways... the silent ways, the grit your teeth ways, the I don't want to enjoy your company because you're chewing too loud ways. Increased tolerance is never bad and I'm searching for it in new ways. A limited level of patience will only lead to a limited capacity for learning and feeling from the others' perspectives, and that is a devastating thought.

So here's to being your best best and never taking a love lesson for granted. Let's blow up the world with enormous explosions of patience-love-kindness-sparkles and never use another's shuffle or weird throat eating noises as an excuse to explode hate-meanness-impatience on their unassuming beings. In doing so, I bet we turn out to be less annoying too... because if you are sending out your best, wouldn't you naturally cater to all those around you, even on a subconscious level?


Please do give me your thoughts, peepz!

Peace and Love!

Real Life: The Musical

Processing is a word I hate, but cannot seem to replace when it comes to matters of the mind. Over the past three years, Michigan State University has shown me good times, great times, and many devastatingly low/self-questioning/life altering times. The latter(s) have mostly been a gift from the DoT. Over the past semester, these life lessons have been coming at a pace of the rapid-fire sort. Everyday I find myself having these internal dialogues. I'll talk myself into some self-deprecating stoop then immediately talk myself out of it. I fight with myself. I let myself loathe everything and anything, but then discuss the pointlessness of holding on to such barren and needlessly heavy thoughts. You see, there is a fine line between being aware of where you are in a journey and hating every minute of it until you can get to the next spot. If I could just embrace the challenge ahead of me, the difficulty in getting to a new level of enlightenment, my thoughts wouldn't be wasted on the all-consuming internal back and forth. There is a specific kind of joy and excitement that exists only in these middle grounds. The joy comes from knowing a new version of you is ready to be downloaded. The excitement from being aware enough to discover and download You 3.0. The obstacle (besides the self-sabotage) in this enormous feat also lies in the lies. I really like to lie to myself in order to remain in the comfort of where I am currently. Tricking myself is putting the download on pause. I stop for a moment and revel in where I am. It's not the good kind of reveling- it's the I'm scared of where I am about to go so let's just stay here kind of revel. Being totally honest with oneself is terrifying and maybe not completely possible at all. It's not fun and perhaps not helpful for some. I need it. It's the only way up- or over, across, sideways- wherever I am headed. In creating who I am now, I've glued some cracks and painted over them without taking the time to really fix what caused them in the first place. Scraping the paint off and staring at the cracks until I figure out how they got there is a scary prospect. Uncovering the thoughts that I've purposely muffled entirely for all of these years doesn't sound like much fun- but in being honest to this extent, I hope to find the pieces to bridge the next gap. To not only fully acknowledge my (now heavy and full) subconscious, but also examine it and figure out where my hangups are coming from. Why do specific things trip me up in the way that they do? What motivates me? I want to open the honesty box to understand what really drives me to wake up everyday and pursue the seemingly impossible. I want to be better, not mad at myself for not being there already.

American Clock B Tickin' Tok (Like Ke$h@)

The gap between 11:38 pm and 2 am is very small. Seriously, like approximately one blink long. Also, I hate centimeters. They're like a smaller, less fun version of inches.

Hello

I woke dreaming we had broke
Dreaming you left me for someone new
And you cried, drying those brown eyes
Crying you're sorry - sorry won't do

But this is the way I need to wake
I wake to you
And you never left me
All that I dreamt had been untrue
Open my eyes
I see sky

Oh, oh, oh, oh, you know the way to keep me on my toes
I, I, I will be fine - just say you'll stay forever mine
'Til we fall asleep tonight

Last night, we had a great fight
I fell asleep in a horrible state
Then dreamt that you loved my best friend
My heart would not mend - seemed it was fate

But this is the way I need to wake
I wake to you
And you never left me
All that I dreamt had been untrue
Open my eyes
I see sky

Oh, oh, oh, oh, you know the way to keep me on my toes
I, I, I will be fine - just say you'll stay forever mine
'Til we fall asleep tonight

Sometimes I forget to love you like I should
But I'd never leave you - no, I never would
I never would

Oh, oh, oh, oh, you know the way to keep me on my toes
I, I, I will be fine - just say you'll stay forever mine
Oh, oh, oh, oh, you know the way to keep me on my toes
I, I, I will be fine - just say you'll stay forever mine
'Til we fall asleep tonight
'Til we fall asleep tonight

Ver Mirror is my homeboy

Directly from my (Physics) notebook:
Getting to the weird. Writing down every moment that makes me feel like the wrong version of me- especially in my responses to others- physically and mentally. In that, never go back to it. Don't box myself in. Use my gifts, love, and faith in every moment of every day. have good mornings and pray. Thank God for the people I have and pray for the ability to learn and grow exponentially every day. Let go. Be honest. Keep the empathy. Mean every single word in a sentence. Every last word is important.

Realmess

Just a few things:

I had a very odd dream about Play-dough recently. The details are a bit fuzzy but I was an entrepreneur in some sense. There was also several ginormous containers of play-dough. I wish I could remember what I invented. I'm sure it was really cool.

I also had a dream recently in which I found over $150 in cash in a particularly unfrequented pocket of my purse. I was pretty happy about it... Until I realized it was a DREAM. Still, maybe it's a sign of things to come?

Finally, on a more conscious note, I'd like the realness to suffice. I'm not sure what this means anymore, as it was originally written in the wee hours of the morning in the Notes application on my phone. I hardly ever deem late night random thoughts worthy of being written down- because being tired causes a great deal of paralysis that I do not wish to fight- but I wrote this down. I have a vague idea of what I was thinking about when this thought seemed so brilliant, but I'm not positive. I'll have to think about it in depth very soon. The more entertaining part of the note was the fact that I accidentally wrote "realmess" instead of "realness"... God, I'm clever.

Crazyness in the Cerebellum

Finals, finals, finals.
I'm banking on the fact that my best work is a result of continual delirium.
Living in a dream-like trance- but not the ideal trance where one does not need to write ten page papers.

Maybe it's the recent massive increase in cumin consumption- I'd like to think it's a bit more than that.

My summer goal was to tap into all those leftover corners of my soul that have been left untouched. I wanted to read a lot and take care of myself. I guess those two things are happening but not in the way I would have liked. I have great hopes for the second half of summer though! Only three credits and a pile of books to make my heart feel new and smarter and bolder.

So, what's on your mind? Revelations trip me up both literally and figuratively- It's a particularly alarming book in the Bible after all. Do what's right with your heart.

There's a lot of hope in the unknown and newly admitted- truths and patients.

Where do we go from here? Keep living and loving and learning and know that there is a much larger force at work. Allow good things to move and dance and wiggle in your heart and see where it propels you.

I pray for whoever occupies that space in my heart- that he goes through God, that I find him, that he is happy, that I get it right on the first try.

It's all very sunshiney and magical, you know.

Smart Water

Tastes good. My latest concern is my weighty subconscious. It's kind of bizarre. Unless you, too, have a weighty subconscious, you won't unda stand it. Now I will tackle the weightier of the weighty issues: Why I think I have a weighty subconscious and how it got to be so large.

Well. See. Now. Hmm. Okay, well I've always had very emotional responses to dreams. It's all part of my charm I suppose. I'd have the most devastating/alarming/generally awful dreams and then wake up, take a second, and realize IT DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN!!!! This has always been the case for as long as I can remember. BUT here's the newest problem- I can't remember my dreams. All I know is I wake up with a strange feeling, or sad, or just weird in general and I can't have the "it didn't happen" relief because I can't remember exactly what happened in the first place. I think what is happening is all of my bad or stressful dreams are just being stored in my subconscious, instead of disappearing upon awakening.

Throughout the day I'll have little moments where something I do reminds me of a dream that I must of had but cannot remember. These minor flashbacks can then turn into temporary relief, but there is so much already stuffed into my weighty subconscious that it just doesn't help. SO WHAT DO I DO?! I need to fix my dreams asap because I'm carrying burdens that don't exist. And that is bullshit, my friends.

Oh Blog.

Why do I love silence so much?

Just Sayin'

What’s your role in the world? Sometimes I write small- I think it sounds like whispering. I’m really good at being funny. Sometimes I’m afraid to try because I’m not prepared for life and I’m worried I might suck. Sometimes I think I’ve been wrong this entire time. The thought of losing everything is terrifying. The more terrifying matter is the thought of my father losing his sunshiney attitude towards life and extreme goodwill as a result of the current situation. What do you do when your life starts moving in the backwards direction- dig your heels in harder, I suppose. I wish I knew what would provide relief other than substance abuse and/or a knack at feigning ignorance. Oh well. What a phrase. Oh well. I don’t know if I’ve ever been stressed in the truest sense of the word. That term is tossed around way too often. Maybe I’ve just been terrified or exhausted or a combination of the two. It’s hard to enjoy life and live in the moment when you just want the moment to pass. Why didn’t I just decide to study something that would provide a more stable future? Is this a complete waste of money? Time? Theatre is the abusive boyfriend that I’ve never had. It rejects me constantly, makes me hit the floor, but provides the most wonderful high a girl could dream of. Maybe I’ll use that for a transference. THR joke! Anywho, I don’t know where my life is going- I feel like I’m constantly running, only to miss that bus I just sprinted towards. And on top of that, I’ve had a near death experience in a cave prior to this very moment! Movement joke! My writing grew a little bit. This won’t make sense in blog form- but I would like to note that this is being written in the 401 section of my notebook because it’s the most dramatic. Maybe if I felt more control over my current life situation, it’d be in the Directing section- or if it didn’t really matter it’d be in the Theatre History section because nothing really happened after 1850 anyway! I would like everything to make sense right… NOW! There are whirly swirly gumdrops in my noggin. I feel cloudy and hazy and all the coffee in the world doesn’t seem to fix anything. Life is grand. Life is a bitch. Maybe that’s the way it should be. Maybe I’m on the verge of a life change- the positive kind. I sure hope so. Maybe we’re all robots. I just want to be the best possible person I can be you know? In all ways. Ramble. Ramble. Bye.

Sho bop bop!

Mildly uninspired. Lots to do. Too much talking. I'm happy. Wa ear duh. (Weird) I thought a translation would be helpful for that werd (word). I plan on throwing out some good vibes this week. Sometimes it's hard to marry my sense of humor, crassness, and sassiness with the way I want to treat people, and treat life as a whole. I don't really know what that means. I love God and I like the word fuck. You know?

Anyway, I'm a little lost in my own head, but I think I know the way out.

Inspired by the Uninspiring

I think I've been going about this in all the wrong ways. Coordination has never been my forte and I keep accidentally ignoring the grace in what is not beautifully executed. Oops. I need to change that. Maybe if the parts are well made than the rest will fall into place. Though nothing is without fault, including myself. I really need to listen to my heart.. when he's calling for you? I like techno... in the right circumstances. I need to start finding myself in the right circumstances because a lot of things aren't working as is. If it ain't broken then don't fix it, but who do you call when it is broken? Ghostbusters? I think not. I think there is a lot of hope and love and joy and happiness all around me and at all times. Why does it take such a huge effort to fight to be happy? It's like everything in the world is meant to bring you down, so just staying afloat is a struggle in itself. How are you supposed to get anything else done. What if you constantly deny what you know will make you happy? Maybe then you don't know it will make you happy? Questions, questions. What do you do when you find yourself looking in the face of the potential disaster monster? And you know that the only way to figure out if you made the right decision is after a significant amount of time? And this monster has multiplied and has several monster siblings that are equally if not scarier and are closing in on you as well? That's kind of where I am.

45 minutes later...

We just had a jam session. A roomie jam sesh.

Oh! Hello.

Maybe if I aim higher, I won't fail as badly? Maybe if I figure out what I want, I can stop being selfish? Or just more able to communicate my inner workings... that sounds biological. Inner workings = feelings, so it's not biological... well I guess it's kind of biological. Maybe more chemical. I think I might have developed a fear of commitment. Gosh, I'm so normal. I appreciate honesty, but I'm not sure if I'm a fan of it as of now... Actually, I'm not a fan of honesty as of now. Though I would like it to be part of my life. Sometimes I can read people, sometimes I can read books, sometimes I can only read Cosmo. My bur rain is fuh ried. I like it. Well, maybe appreciate is a better word. Uuuhkay buh bye.

Breaky Break

Christmas break has been a mind fuck, but in a positive way. I've learned a lot.