Just Sayin'

What’s your role in the world? Sometimes I write small- I think it sounds like whispering. I’m really good at being funny. Sometimes I’m afraid to try because I’m not prepared for life and I’m worried I might suck. Sometimes I think I’ve been wrong this entire time. The thought of losing everything is terrifying. The more terrifying matter is the thought of my father losing his sunshiney attitude towards life and extreme goodwill as a result of the current situation. What do you do when your life starts moving in the backwards direction- dig your heels in harder, I suppose. I wish I knew what would provide relief other than substance abuse and/or a knack at feigning ignorance. Oh well. What a phrase. Oh well. I don’t know if I’ve ever been stressed in the truest sense of the word. That term is tossed around way too often. Maybe I’ve just been terrified or exhausted or a combination of the two. It’s hard to enjoy life and live in the moment when you just want the moment to pass. Why didn’t I just decide to study something that would provide a more stable future? Is this a complete waste of money? Time? Theatre is the abusive boyfriend that I’ve never had. It rejects me constantly, makes me hit the floor, but provides the most wonderful high a girl could dream of. Maybe I’ll use that for a transference. THR joke! Anywho, I don’t know where my life is going- I feel like I’m constantly running, only to miss that bus I just sprinted towards. And on top of that, I’ve had a near death experience in a cave prior to this very moment! Movement joke! My writing grew a little bit. This won’t make sense in blog form- but I would like to note that this is being written in the 401 section of my notebook because it’s the most dramatic. Maybe if I felt more control over my current life situation, it’d be in the Directing section- or if it didn’t really matter it’d be in the Theatre History section because nothing really happened after 1850 anyway! I would like everything to make sense right… NOW! There are whirly swirly gumdrops in my noggin. I feel cloudy and hazy and all the coffee in the world doesn’t seem to fix anything. Life is grand. Life is a bitch. Maybe that’s the way it should be. Maybe I’m on the verge of a life change- the positive kind. I sure hope so. Maybe we’re all robots. I just want to be the best possible person I can be you know? In all ways. Ramble. Ramble. Bye.