Koe Nun Drum

Well, I have a final tomorrow. I haven't studied. Nor have I read about half of the required readings. Shwoops. My mind has been stuck in a rut with King Tut like a mutt who couldn't.. cut it? Maybe.

I think I have a lot less patience than I had previously thought. I really need something or someone special and beautiful and wonderful to happen soon. That would be just swell. My family is beautiful. I haven't been in a relationship for almost a year. I have made the best of my 'bad' decisions this semester and have enjoyed them thoroughly. I think there will be more to come next semester. I am excited for new classes in the Spring. I'm not sure if you are supposed to capitalize the name of a season. There, their, they're, your, you're. Please don't fuck that up. I think I function more efficiently while in love. I miss that side of myself. I hate not being around children. I miss their perspective. I should probably start being more honest with myself on a daily basis. Life is really funny and weird. I wish I could sleep peacefully. I don't think I'm stressed out, but for some reason I have an absurd amount of tension hanging out in my body. I miss the physical aspect of a steady relationship. The not worrying about where someone has been part. And the knowing there's always someone on your team part. I've got some great friends.

I need this now. Thanks Senior Showcase :)

desiderata - by max ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Floating Around in Different Directions at the Same Time

My marriage mantra has always been "Married at 26 and kids at 30", but now that I'm 20 and a halfish, I feel like 26 might creep up a little too quickly. I wish I could fast forward and see who I am meant to be with... or even if I'll get it right on the first try. In thinking about this and spending massive amounts of time walking to class, listening to some delicious indie tunes, I've realized how much time we waste floating around each other instead of interacting. Eye contact feels abnormal when passing someone on the sidewalk. Shouldn't we introduce ourselves to each other if we live in the same apartment building? Will you think I'm a weirdo if I smile at you because I like your shoes? We all seem to be doing the same thing, but with such a strong focus on ourselves we become oblivious to the other. We are taught to live selfishly in college. Studying and learning and growing is meant to be done on one's own time. Live for yourself, better yourself, learn shit because someday you'll make more money because of your undergraduate experience. What if we became more concerned with each other? Cared about each other, helped each other out? How different would our experiences be? What if every time you passed someone on the sidewalk on the way to class, you smiled? What if that was the norm? I'm sick of floating around every day, functioning in some different frequency than the person next to me. I want to interact. I want to be friends.

Untitled

I don't really know what to say or write, what to acknowledge or not acknowledge, or who to attempt to explain this to or keep quiet. I've learned a lot about myself during the past few days, what I am capable of, what I am not, what makes me laugh and the opposite as well. Despite what will happen, I know I did my best. My mother still does not cease to amaze me, in both her endurance and dedication to her family.

"Therefore we do not lose heart..."

The person that you were has died You’ve lost the sparkle in your eyes You fell for life - into its traps Now you wanna bridge the gaps Now you wanna bridge the gaps Now you want that person back And all your ammunition’s gone Run out of fuel to carry on You don’t know what you wanna do You’ve got no pull to pull you through Say “I am” Say “I am” Say “I am wonderful” Say “I am” Say “I am” Say “I am wonderful” If what you’ve lost cannot be found And the weight of the world weighs you down No longer with the will to fly You stop to let it pass you by Don’t stop to let it pass you by You’ve gotta look yourself in the eye Say “I am” Say “I am” Say “I am wonderful” Oh you are Say “I am” Say “I am” Say “I am wonderful” Cause we are all miracles wrapped up in chemicals We are incredible Don’t take it for granted, no We are all miracles Oh we are Say “I am” Say “I am” Say “I am wonderful” Oh you are Don’t take it for granted, no We are all miracles wrapped up, yeah we’re wrapped up Oh we are wonderful

Thoughts and Thoughts

The conflict between wanting to be free and loved has been on my mind for the past few days. I'm still not quite sure as to why human beings want to be free to act and do as they please, while ultimately desiring nothing else but to be loved in the context of a committed relationship. Don't get me wrong, I understand that some simply want one or the other, but the goal of realizing both ideals seems to be the general goal for most. Thinking about this has made me attempt to answer several questions about what I want and what I want to look for. Coming out of a two year long relationship has made me value my freedom more now than ever. I realize that being on my own has made me much more courageous in many respects. I've also been forced to reevaluate existing relationships. I've enjoyed the free time. I had free time before, but it wasn't this kind. I have no worries free time for the most part. It's very different than free time, while in a relationship. I've been able to reconnect with many important people from my past, including some family members. I have always had a vested interest in the well being of all the people in my life, only now I get to act on it.

In a few weeks, I'll be moving back up to East Lansing and starting class (hopefully the right ones). Once again my priorities will temporarily trade places. I have high hopes and expectations for my third year of college. However, I don't plan on missing out on my family or friends. I learned that lesson already. Keep in touch with the people you love. Maybe these are the people who will help me find the ultimate feelings of freedom and love simultaneously. This just got sappy.

D.C. and Gettysburg and Emmitsburg and Lunch

On Sunday, we decided to go to D.C. Maryann, Theresa, and I drove two hours from Lincoln University to the city around 11 AM. The drive was nice, but apparently traffic going in and out of D.C. is brutal during the week. We walked from the Capital Building to the Washington Monument. It was a pretty long hike, but there was a lot to see. The long, straight path with grassy areas reminded me of Paris. The monument is on a hill, so we saw the White House and a few of the Smithsonian Museums. We spent some time in the American History Museum, but left early to catch a 4:30 mass at the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. It was a beautiful and sparkly church. When we got back to Maryann's, we found Steve standing in the driveway holding flashlights. Apparently, a bad storm had come through and the power went out. While we were getting out of the car, the neighbor came over and talked to us for an hour in the driveway. In that hour, she managed to insult much of my being. Luckily, I have an ungodly amount of patience for old people. She hates Italians and wants to get rid of them all (awwwwkward), she's not a fan of the gays, and Catholics can suck it too. Yikes. We went to bed early because of the lack of power and Maryann having to get up early the next morning. I woke up at 5:30 AM to say bye to Maryann and take a shower (because the power came back on). Around 8:45, we packed up the car and took off towards MD. We made a stop in Frederick and walked through the tiny, old town. The area reminded me of the little towns up north... only older. We grabbed some candy from a little chocolate store and drove to Gettysburg. Gettysburg is ginormous so we picked a few spots to visit. We saw the Eternal Flame, climbed to the top of the observatory, and visited the round tops. To get to the top of big round top, we had to hike up a beautful path. It was another long trek, but one of my favorite things that we've done during this trip. We headed to Theresa's family's house after Gerttysburg. We ended up talking and hanging out with them for the rest of the night.

Today, we drove out to Boyd's. It's a pretty big deal if you like teddy bears. Boyd's is a huge three level teddy bear emporium. While we were there, we ran into five priests and some church staff that Theresa's family knew. We ended up going to lunch with the whole group. I saw next to a 90 something year old priest who was a riot. Having lunch with five priests was definitely a first. Now, I'm attempting to study as much as I can before my midterm tomorrow.

Philly Land

Hi Philly! Today we woke up early and took off towards Philly at 9 AM. We ended up parking near the East Falls train station and taking the ten minute ride, instead of attempting to find decent parking in the city. The city was interesting. There was such a huge blend of people in the area aka prime people watching. We walked around for an hour then took a lunch break at a really nice Italian restaurant. We continued walking around for a few more hours. There is a lot to see in the city. Historical landmarks are everywhere. It was about 90 degrees with 50% humidity so we were worn out after a few hours of city walking. We stopped at the LOVE statue and took a picture, looked at the Rocky steps from a distance, and took off towards the train station. We rode back, jumped in the car and drove to the King of Prussia mall... which is ginormous. We walked to each side of the mall, which apparently spans a mile (?). We overheard a group discussing the length from one side to the other... after walking to each side and wondering why it had taken us a solid 15 minutes. After the mall, we drove back to Maryann's home away from home and stopped to talk to Steve about the downfall of America. Interesting. Anyway, we're all exhausted now... which is expected after these kinds of adventures :)

P.S. I skipped about 95% of the details (like how we almost thought the train station didn't exist and the low rider caddy with the hugeeee rims or the street vendors that we bought MJ memorial t-shirts from or the horse and buggies that drive next to the cars and our fear that a horse could get hit by a car) but I'll fill them eventually.

Pikes and Turns

After a series of big girl months, thoughts, and decisions, I set out on my first big girl road trip with my best friend. We made some ambitious plans that involved a 6 AM takeoff, but after a long night of packing, 8 o’clock seemed close enough. We ended up driving through the Ohio and Pennsylvania Turnpikes. The scenery changed from fields and fields to rolling hills, cutout mountainsides, and wide rivers. It was beautiful. I was so happy. As it turns out, a nine-hour car ride is the secret to a clearer mind. I was so content. We drove through Amish country on the way to Lincoln University. We were looking out for buggies, but only found one. It was amazing though because it was outside of the gun store. Apparently, the Amish are big hunters… or murderers.

I hope you understand that I’m catching on. I get it a lot more than I used to. Everyday I learn something new. You’ve been really patient and I appreciate it. I really appreciate it. Your support is unmatched and brilliant. I hope this turns out to be something right. <3

Thusdays Away From Home

Today was one of the most amazing times spent in the city thus far. The weather cleared and was bright, sunny, and warm for the first time since I arrived. (So far, the sun has only peaked out for a few hours at a time). Theresa and I decided that it was the right day for an impromptu visit to Sacre Coeur. It’s on a little mountain about ten minutes away from her apartment. I had seen the church from all of the amazing heights we have climbed, but not up close. First we start walking uphill on streets, then began the stairs. As we got higher and higher, a whole new city opened up in front of me. It was unlike the city so close below. There was a completely different atmosphere… it was amazing. We toured the amazing church and the area outside of it. There was a strange sense of calm that came over me upon entering the church. It was far more intimate, even though everything inside was grand and ridiculously beautiful. There were no cameras or admission fees, just nuns and little girls praying in front of every saintly idol. (I love guessing what kids pray for, especially when they really get into it). We toured the artists’ square after leaving the church. The square is located in the mountain as well. The artwork was amazing and amazingly overpriced. Men lined the streets and began to draw portraits promising to “make you look beautiful” for the hefty fee of a few dozen euros. This little mountain town struck me as the Petoskey of Paris. It’s funny, but I’ve found a way to relate many aspects of Paris to locations and feelings I have at home. Theresa had her French final today so after leaving the mountain we jumped on a metro and headed to the school. After her final, we went into the computer lab to pull together a last minute trip to London. We managed to book a train ride there, hotel, and bus ride back to Paris. We both felt so accomplished afterwards because we were not entirely positive we were going to pull it off in such a short period of time. We were supposed to meet some other students for dinner, but missed the reservation because of our travel planning. We headed out towards the Eiffel Tower instead. As we got off of the metro in front of the Eiffel Tower, the clock struck ten and the lights started sparkling. It was amazing! It was the most perfect timing! We stopped and had dinner at a small Italian café and continued on towards the tower. Again, the tower started sparkling. After standing in front of it for a long while, we stopped at the crepe and ice cream stand. There I was again, in a moment I thought could never exist or at least would have never dreamt of… eating pistachio ice cream with my best friend, standing next to the Seine and staring at the sparkling Eiffel Tower.

Tuesday on Thursday

Oops… Because of jet lag, general fatigue, and my continued abuse of wine, I am now two days behind in updates. The past few days have been amazing (surprise surprise). On Tuesday, Theresa and I went to Notre Dame. It’s technically on an island so we were around water for most of the day. First we toured the inside of the church. It’s so beautiful that it just affects you to the core. The intricacy of the church and every single thing inside is astounding. The Crown of Thorns was displayed in the museum. They think it is the crown that Jesus wore. I’m not sure whether or not to believe that it is just because it’s odd that it would have survived so long, but who am I to say. There were also countless reliques in the museum that housed the remaining pieces of saints from very long ago. I had a very strange feeling as I stood in front of dozens of objects considered to be the holiest things imaginable by the Catholic Church. The way everything is on display didn’t seem right. I understand that the country owns the church versus the Catholic church, but it just touched me the wrong way. Still, this thought did not totally detract from my awe. We moved on to the bell tower afterwards. There are 400 stairs to the top, but after the Eiffel Tower, it was nothing. The tiny stone stairs spiral up and up. Finally, we saw sunlight and knew a door was coming. We got to the top and walked along the perimeter of the tower. The view here was more impressive than the Eiffel Tower if that’s possible. Theresa and I just stood there, at the top of Notre Dame, with gargoyles in our line of vision and the most incredible view of a city that seems as big as the world. I was concerned that seeing these indescribable places during the past week would have somehow desensitized me to the richness in the smallest of places and things, but being here has only made me more tuned in to them. After the tower, Theresa and I stopped in to a café and had a crepe. It was the most amazing thing ever (except for Notre Dame of course). After that, we walked along the Seine and came to the Conciergerie. Apparently, the Conciergerie was both a palace and prison. We went into the room where Marie Antoinette was held before she was killed. At some point in history, the same walls we were standing in held hundreds of people right before their fate was decided. There were two portraits that depicted the “waiting room”. People were just packed in this room, crying, fainting, putting their heads down, and some being completely stoic. No one was spared, men, women, and children were killed on charges that ranged from ridiculous to malicious. The portrait alone gave me chills, let alone seeing the cells. After that experience, we began walking along the Siene again in order to get back on the metro. We took a shortcut through a short alley with flower/plant shops on both sides. The smell was incredible, like every good thing put together with lilacs on top. Our bakery and wine stop on the way back to the apartment is turning into a tradition already. On a related note, everyone here carries baguettes around at all times. It’s ridiculously cute.

Monday Monday Monday

Once again, I found myself with a buzz and a full stomach last night. I’m writing this on Tuesday morning at 8, with Theresa sleeping next to me and an Evian bottle at my side. The wine here is fantastic, maybe that’s why I can’t resist. It could never hold its own against the housemade Italian wine I had in Pofi, but I’m not sure anything could.

Monday was just as epic of a day as I could hope. Theresa and I went to the school where her classes are held to stop in the library. It’s actually a business building downtown. Paris was mainly built out instead of up, so even the big time business buildings are shorter than what you’d find in the U.S. After that visit, we began working our way back to the more touristy part of Paris (versus the business part where the school building is) near the Opera. The Opera is such a beautiful and grand building. You can totally just get lost looking at it. The busy streets and constant push of traffic all around the area stops that lure as soon as you realize you have to be on guard for pedestrian unfriendly motorized vehicles. The sidewalks are extremely crowded most everywhere so that has been one of the major challenges of getting around the area. After a short walk through the streets and some window-shopping, we stopped at a Starbucks. I know that seems like a cop out, going to Starbucks in France, but we had our reasons behind it. We were headed to the Gardens outside of the Louvre and wanted to get a drink to go. The Cafes are not drink to go kinds of people so we went with big American business. The Starbucks was set up identically to the ones at home… same drinks, color scheme, cups, and furniture. It was oddly comforting to be somewhere that hit so close to home. With our drinks to go we headed to the Louvre. I really can’t even begin to describe the place as a whole… I think the only way is to describe it in parts. We sat in the Gardens and ate a lunch we had packed earlier. The Gardens are these huge flat plains of grass with rows of carved square trees, massive round fountains, and white marble statues. We just sat admiring everything for quite some time. We moved on to the inside of the Louvre next. Simply entering the building is an experience on its own. In order to get inside, you have to go inside this massive glass triangular structure and take an escalator a few fights down to the main level. Once we were on the main level we found some maps and started out in search of the Mona Lisa. The amount of artwork they have is incredible. All of the descriptions and titles are in French so we just walked from room to room looking at everything and wondering what the stories were behind each piece. Once again, I got that strong fly on the wall feeling. Just being connected to the artwork, instead of being concerned with its historical connection. This gave my mind the freedom to wander around while I stood in front of these major pieces. We found the Mona Lisa and just stood I front of it for a while. I was told by a handful of people that the painting did not personally impress them. I think the historical impact of the painting hits home for me more so than the actual picture. It’s not shiny or huge like most of the other pieces, but it is iconic and represents a culture, a time, and an artist. Maybe it wasn’t his greatest work, but it opens the door for people to look into history and discover a little more about life. I hope that makes sense. I just think that if you really examine the impact of the painting on top of what it actually looks like, then there is no way you could remain unimpressed.

We stayed in the museum for about four hours, until it closed at 6. We began walking back towards the Arc de Triumph and stopped at George V for dinner. We were eating outside when suddenly it started pouring. We were covered, but as the rain got worse the seam in the tent began letting water out next to our table. We moved to a different table about 30 seconds before a gush of water dropped down on our previous table. It was kind of funny. We were planning on seeing the Eiffel Tower at night, but the weather just stayed rainy. We headed back to the apartment on the metro and decided to grab another dessert at the bakery and some wine. Both were amazing of course. When do I start believing that I’m actually here?

Another Day

Today has been an adventure, as everyday will probably be. I am writing this with a buzz and on a full stomach so I can’t guarantee any kind of fluidity. Theresa and I went to church today, St. Joseph’s. It’s a Catholic church with English mass. It was incredible looking down from the balcony and seeing American families, wondering what their situations are and how they are adjusting to a new life. Then, we sat in a park and looked at the Arc de Triumph. It was surreal… just sitting in a park with my best friend since the tender age of five and looking at this colossal monument that was meant for soldiers returning after a victory. We moved on to the Sunday horse races at Longchamp. It was an amazing place, oddly geared toward children. I got a free scarf. I didn’t know they did free here, but it’s nice to know even the Frenchies enjoy a good giveaway. There is almost a carnival atmosphere on the racing grounds. Stands with the quintessential French treats line the circular perimeter in front of the actual racetrack. Theresa and I stopped and got a nutella crepe and sat near the circular gardens to see the horses parade pre-race. Then we moved to the bleachers above the track. Even though the races were short, they were epic. By the third race, the stakes had tripled and so did the shouting. The crowd consisted mainly of old men and children. An interesting combination and optimum people watching. After the third race we left the grounds and began to walk back to a bus stop. We were so close to a gigantic park area that we just walked past the stop and through the grass. It was beautiful. We even found this mini waterfall above some rocks tucked away in a corner. It was too early to head back to the apartment so we made a stop at the Eiffel Tower. It is so massive… as most monuments and government buildings are here. We paid our dues and started climbing the stairs to the top. We didn’t count the number, but there were many… more than many. Finally we climbed all of the stairs and made it to the second level. At that point you either have the choice of going back downstairs and leaving or paying another 3.5 euros per person and taking an elevator to the top. We were exhausted from the climb but decided it was all or nothing. We paid again and got in the huge line (consisting mainly of young couples making out) in front of the elevator. The ride up was frightening. It was insanely high up. After what felt like a few minutes we were at the top of the Eiffel Tower. I thought the view was amazing from the second floor but this view blew me away. Theresa pointed out all of the important structures and we made a list of what we were going to see next. After a long elevator ride to the ground, we made our way back to the metro. We stopped at a small grocery store for wine and drinks, a bakery for bread, and another small baker for dessert. We made dinner and drank, while celebrating being off of our feet for the first time in a long time. It’s been amazing in the least.

Sign of the Times

I'm finally here. Every step of the way has been nothing short of a journey in itself. I've been taking pictures of random things just to document my being there and experiences. I have a picture of the grocery store check out for example. So many new ideas have been rushing into my head throughout the day and night. I finally faced my fear of flying. I made it through a foreign airport. I rode the metro and buses. It's been such a long day discovering a whole new world that I've never known to be my own. This is an exhausting but rewarding process with two weeks remaining. I have the challenge of being the one who doesn't understand, who can get lost in a blink of an eye, but who sees both things as beautiful and rare. I'm uncomfortable in the best way.

Wowie Zowie

It's been a while. I can't believe how much can happen in a matter of weeks. I should know time flies by now, but that whole concept has never sunk in. In less than a week I'll be far far away. I'm so excited and grateful for the opportunities that have come up recently. Everyday is such a gift. The thought of traveling on my own seemed so daunting a month ago. I just wanted to fast forward to next Fall so I could restart my life back at school. It just ht me though that the time in between now and August will be so important and necessary. I don't want to fast forward anymore. I want to see where everyday leads. I have that feeling back. I feel like myself, only much more fine tuned. Things seem much clearer. I feel free again. I see who I'm becoming and why. I'm terrified in the best way. I'm so nervous. I want to be better everyday. I want to work harder.

Saturdays

The past few months have been a whirlwind in so many ways. I don't think all of it has caught up to me yet. I still feel like I need to spend time everyday trying to wrap my head around all of it. For the past two and half years I feel as if I was living for and through other people. I don't think the focus was where it should have been and eventually the consequences of that kind of lifestyle caught up with me. Mentally, I shed so many layers in the past few months that I feel a physical weight has been lifted. It's that profound, really. It's been such a wonderful period of discovery. I don't think I ever lost who I am, I think I just successfully covered myself up enough to not let reality in or myself out. I don't know if that would make sense to anyone else.

Anyway, the point is I'm happy. I'm so excited about the future. I want to do so much. This is a new thing too, the wanting to do more with my life thing. I was so committed to taking care of someone who did not want or need taking care of that I lost some of my own drive. I'm happy that I got it back though. I can't say I regret this whole process. I've fallen in love twice and learned so much about other people and myself. If I had to regret anything, it would be hurting the other people involved. I didn't always do the right thing. That'll change though. I get it now.

Compliments of the Book of Face

1. I am very, very Italian. 100%. I'm second generation, meaning my grandparents came here from Italy. This alone has defined a big portion of my life. I also get annoyed when people don't know their own personal heritage. If you don't know, you should find out because it's more than likely that somewhere down the line a great grandparent took the long boat ride over to the US of A. It's kind of a big deal.

2. On a similar note, I am very close with my family. Family meaning cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I also include a handful of family friends into the family category. I guarantee you I have the craziest and most inappropriate family around. If you don't believe me come to a family birthday party and listen to the Bosco rendition of 'Happy Birthday'.

3. I love my friends so so much. Maryann and Theresa have been my best friends since we were 5. Suffice it to say, they have both entered the family category long ago. They both bring so much joy to my life and I love every minute I spend with them.

4. I miss school. I miss being on campus. I miss being exhausted. I miss my BFA class. Despite having a shitty Fall 08 Semester, there is still no where else I'd rather be than with my BFA classmates/lovers.

5. No one will ever make me laugh as hard as Tyler.

6. I attended Catholic schools for thirteen years. I have so many stories. There's something about seeing a nun waddle down the hallway while you are trying to get to your next class... I told my parents everyday that I would never send my child to a Catholic school. I have since changed my mind.

7. I am in no way sporty, nor will I ever be. Despite growing up an older brother to play with, I am no more coordinated than a nine month old baby. By coordinated, I mean I cannot catch anything in any capacity. If you are ever in a situation that requires some kind of passing of goods, namely pens or pencils, please don't throw anything in my general direction. I will not catch it. Guaranteed.

8. I have a very bizarre way of dancing that cracks my parents up. I whip it out on occasion. I also have a bizarre singing voice to accompany it. It's quite a production. If you have seen or heard either you might know what I'm talking about.

9. I would like to have a tap routine to 'Dirrty' by Xtina. It's in the works.

10. I babysit a lot. My feelings regarding having my own children are mixed, in the way that I think I might rather adopt one day than have my own. That will probably change.

11. I love Walloon Lake. I love my house on Walloon Lake. I love walking to beach. I love walking for miles on the roads around my house. I love summers there. I love winters there. Lauren is the only person who loves that lake as much as I can/ever will.

12. This is the first time that I have been single since the age of 15. It's the best thing to happen to me in a while. Despite losing a friend, I feel like a weight has been lifted that I was not even aware was there.

13. I resent my third grade teacher a great deal. Many of the things that she said to me, or to the class as a whole, have stuck with me. One thing being that 'nice' is a worthless word. She said it means nothing. I disagree, completely. Nice is a wonderful word. Nice is underrated. Nice is what things and people, like third grade teachers, should be. I came up with the idea of writing her a letter about what a failure she was to hundreds of children, but I don't want to make her feel that bad because I think she may have had some underlying issues that caused her bad behavior.

14. My new favorite phrase is "God helps those who help themselves". I think it means more to me now because I realize how much control I do have over certain things, like my own attitude and outlook on life.

15. I read all of the "Twilight" books in a span of 3 weeks, beginning shortly after Christmas. I made fun of all of my friends who obsessed over the series, but I get it now. I see why you love them.

16. I was in a band. It was born from a very productive slumber party and lasted all of 24 hours. We called ourselves 'Hott'. Note the excessive use of the letter t. One letter per group member. Armed with our glitter gel pens, we wrote masterful lyrics. With such musical influences as 'Dream' and 'Bewitched', we began our songs with powerful phone conversations to our made up boyfriends. During the conversational preludes we told them off and talked about how we knew they were lying and how much they sucked. We should have recorded an album. Oh the lost potential!

17. I have lived on a farm since the age of 5. It's a non-working farm, but we still have cows and chickens. I used to sit in the coupe and read to the chickens, until my mother was convinced that this was a sign that I needed a 'normal' pet. She bought me a Guinea pig. It had an evil soul but I loved it none the less. Its name was Brownie Bella Bosco.

18. I also grew up with a pony. It was awesome. I feel like this alone significantly contributed to my happy childhood.

19. Purple is one of the best colors.

20. I have spent thousands of dollars trying to straighten my hair since the 5th grade. I am just now coming to terms with my genes. Grass is always greener, but I like the money I save sans hair chemicals.

21. I took piano lessons for 2 years, yet I cannot play anything significant. I blame my former crunchy, granola, Ann Arbor music teacher and her faulty Suzuki method.

22. I can get lost in my head. I can daydream for hours and be perfectly content with my own stories.

23. Theatre will always be a huge part of my life. It really is a love/hate relationship, but I can't see myself anywhere else.

24. My favorite dreams are the ones where I get to fly.

25. I am really excited about life.

Beautiful Beautiful

I love my family very much. I worry that as the key generations of my family get older and pass away that I will not have as much of a connection with my extended family. I know this is a valid worry, but there is a lot to do about it. I feel a responsibility to stay connected to the people I love.

Countdown to surgery: 17 Days
I'm not nervous yet so that's good.

Lush is my new favorite store.

New Things New Times

I really like watching 'Rock of Love'. It's an incredibly ridiculous show. I don't really know why I like it so much or what I actually like about the show. Maybe not knowing is the best part. I don't think I want to identify which part of me connects with such a show.
On a similar note, I went to a cage fight yesterday. It was interesting. I don't think I'll go to another fight, but it's something to check off the list.
I'm enjoying my time home this semester. I'm trying to make the most of my time, even when that includes doing nothing at all. I know this is going to be the least stressful time of life. I have minimal responsibilities to take care of right now, so my focus is on myself, my family, and my friends. It's really nice. I just recently realized how much I miss certain people. There is so much I want to do when I head back into my more active life. Things seem to be working out better than ever. The superstitious Italian old woman in me is telling me to be wary of this. The other part of me thinks it's more of a sign from God to continue my life in this direction, if that makes any sense.

I get it now.

I'm Still Here

I don't think you understand how hard it is for me to face your indifference. I want you to feel strongly one way or another. Obviously, I'd prefer one way over the other, but the point is the same. I have so much to say to you, but the fear of your reaction stops me in my tracks. I am holding our relationship together, all by myself. It's pretty heavy and completely stressful. I deal with that because I know you have a lot on your plate, a lot of pressure. You really don't give me enough credit. You take away a lot from me everyday, my energy, happiness, you name it. I tell myself you don't know that you're doing it, that my feelings should not be hurt. You're just reckless with my heart, whether you believe it or not. I want you to care, most of all to show it. Give me a sign you still want what we have because I'm really starting to doubt it. I know how easy it is for you to forget me when I'm away. I don't understand it. I just miss you and think of you more, while you carefully remove me from your thoughts, actions, and life. There's no excuse for that. It's selfish, really. I think you're going to take this the wrong way, but I really hope you don't. I want you to think about what I have to say to you, what I have said. Consider my feelings.