Speaking Only Consonants

I suck at a lot of things. Being human is beautiful and awful and clunky and I hate it and I love it. I suck at returning calls or texts in a timely matter unless you tell me that it bugs you a lot. Then I get really good at it. I suck at crawling out of my own little bubble when I'm sad. It happens and I detach and hide. I don't like it so I'm changing it but when I disappear just know I'm sitting in my room stuck in my own head. It's not sad. It's just life. When I get nervous I can only think about what is making me nervous. I temporarily paralyze myself in that way.

There is a sense of wholeness and well-being in feeling. I hated being numb but I think that numb comes from a natural buildup of residual damage from life events. It sucks not having anesthesia in life. It's like constantly getting your wisdom teeth out without the laughing gas and Novocaine but it's a different kind of high- like a true high. I feel things. I get the opportunity to connect with people that I may have avoided in the past and whether or not I take the chance to connect is my choice but I see the value in it now. The beauty in others is astounding. So what? You think this is sappy? Get over it. Just kidding. I'm really grateful. My head wants to explode with gratitude, sparkles, and crazy. It's all going to be okay.

Oh, and I think this is important too. It's from American Beauty. I fell in love with that movie when I saw it as a kid, even though I had no idea how to relate to it (in terms of the conventional definition of relate). I've always been drawn toward things that make my tummy feel funny and this movie does just that- as did my mom's going fast over the big hilly roads up north until she got a speeding ticket because I kept asking her to go faster.

"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined our street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

In totally unrelated news: It's a blip, not even a bump, and certainly not a roadblock.