I’d really like a big dose of clarity. Life clouds instincts and instincts are denied. There is peace is letting go- even though I can’t seem to get there. I am disappointed in my never being strong enough to change/help/or fully encourage another human being, but I realize now that no one has that power over anyone else. So I guess I'm not disappointed. Tis' life.
There is value in this. This is not quitting. This is acknowledging my limits. My inability to help you change and a not wanting to ruin something so beautiful in the process. Sometimes patience is a big bitch to have and to hold. There is no denial of the passionate bits, the connectedness beyond the daily grind, and the spiritual boundaries that blend at the seam which we very carefully crafted between our souls. It’s all very beautiful at its core. Too beautiful. We weren’t ready for it. We aren’t now. Trust it, don’t move it yourself.
If we are eternal beings, if these are eternal ties, why worry about timing now? We need to get back to our truths, our cores, and our instincts. I don’t really know what’s real anymore. That’s kind of sad. So I’m going to fix it. You can too. I’m going to stop denying every instinct that I don’t want to face, act on, or deal with. I don’t what that looks like, but I’ll try it.
The scary factor increases exponentially when you realize the grand magic between two people. The significant figures increase when you have to make a choice between holding on to moments that have passed for encouragement or trust that distance and learning and a knowing that we are OK as individuals will revive a lost romance in the future.
See, it’s still really beautiful.
Our faith in God rested solely in each other so of course we failed each other constantly. We need to adjust, realign, learn the next steps, and trust. Trust that this is God’s way of waking us up and making us count of Him, not each other anymore. We can’t worship a relationship because the core of it is essentially perfect. We have to look up sometimes. Trust that God won’t leave us hanging. If we truly work hard at living lovingly and honestly, we won’t be left to find a lesser version of this connectedness- whether in a muted version of what we should have been (like it was) or in other people. Does that make sense? We will always have this passionate connectedness (with or without each other) if we do our homework. If we really try hard.
3 comments:
"It's not the absence of storms that sets us apart. It's whom we discover in the storm: an unstirred Christ."
- Max Lucado in 'Fearless'
Fear. When the disciples were afraid of the tempest their boat was experiencing, they didn't ask about Jesus' strength, knowledge, or know how, they raised doubts about his character.
Fear corrodes out confidence in God's goodness. When fear shapes our lives safety becomes out god. Fear itself is not sin, but can lead to sin.
I read all of these things on the flight here a couple of days ago. I don't know about you, but it became clear to me that fear drives A LOT of the things and reasons behind things that I do.
- Being anxious about the future... career, finances, looks, friendships, relationships...
Fear is behind all of those things in my life. As I read, I started to image my life without that fear and in place of it, thoughts of God's goodness and trust in who He says He is and what He can and WILL do.
If you feel like it, check out Matthew 8:23-27.
Also, I've been thinking more about what it means to have faith.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a while you may have had to suffer all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy." 1 Peter 1: 6-9
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7
Some things to ponder. :)
You're beautiful and it's scary how connected we all are without coincidence.
If I had a blog I would name it watching prayers...you get to look back and see all the things you prayed about that have come to pass and all the things that thankfully did not. Its the best thing about getting older. Trust me when I tell you that your 20's are a gift to help you figure yourself out so that you can live the rest of your life with a solid foundation. The more God is involved the better your life gets.
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